Happy Birth-Day Joelle!

Considering Joelle is 5 months old now, I guess I should probably get an update on the blog! Mommy Life = Busy Life.

So...after two weeks of daily contractions, I was dilated to 2cm and 80% effaced. Ugh. My body was starting to ache from the contractions and I was swollen beyond belief. My feet, ankles, legs, hands, arms, and face - all swollen. I went to my regularly scheduled doctor appointment and my blood pressure had gone up significantly since the week before. My doctor, being well-aware of my plan to have as natural of a birth as possible, approached the idea of an induction cautiously. After talking it over with him, we agreed that inducing me would be best at that point for both me and Joelle. I was headed towards preeclampsia, and that was no something I wanted.

Saturday night, October 12, I was admitted into labor and delivery and we got the party started around midnight! I didn't get much sleep. I was SO EXCITED.

My contractions continued and by 11am I was dilated to a 5+ and I was definitely feeling the pain! But I had been stuck at 5 for a few hours already. I had been managing the pain, but when my nurse let me know that I still had another 5 or more hours ahead of me, I decided on an epidural. 

At 5pm I was dilated to 7cm, and by 5:45 I had moved to 9cm! Fast forward nearly three hours later....STILL stuck at a 9. My dr was starting to talk about a c-section. My nurse was amazing, and she put me in a couple of weird positions and all of a sudden I was ready to push!

I pushed for 2 hours, and then....she was here! 23 hours of labor. She was everything I had ever imagined. Born on October 13, 2013 at 10:58pm.

Week 36 Baby Bump: Q&A

36 weeks on Saturday! Full term baby! I've been having irregular contractions for two weeks now, and she is head down and dropping lower every day. The time has come: Your eviction notice has been served! You have 4 weeks to move out of Hotel Uterus.

1.  Are you having morning sickness? Nope
2. How is the fatigue? I have trouble sleeping through the night, but somehow I seem to have more energy lately even with the lack of sleep.
3. Frequent potty breaks? Oh yeah.
4. Sense of smell? The only thing that is bothering me lately is the smell of the grocery store.
5. What are your cravings? Ice cream! Mint and chip.
6. What makes you most nauseas? Not much. If I eat a meal that is too big then I feel really sick.
7. Do you have heartburn? Yes but I've been able to manage it pretty well lately.
8. Have you been moody? Sometimes. Mostly crying.
9. Have you been crying a lot? See above.
10. Weight gain/loss? I go up and down between 25-30 pounds depending on the day and the amount of swelling that I have.
11. Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie. It's stretched really tight and there really isn't an opening anymore.
12. Any stretch marks? Nothing new. Just a couple on the side of my hip that are old, but have gotten pink again.
13. Have you felt the baby move? Definitely! Even though she is getting so big she still finds some pace in there to move around. And LOTS of hiccups.
14. Have you made your first baby purchase? After our last baby shower we are all set with what we needed!
15. Do you think it will be a boy or a girl? She's still a girl.
16. Who will be the baby's favorite person? Daddy. She doesn't know it yet, but she already has him wrapped around her little finger!
17. Who will spoil the baby the most? My mom. Definitely. And it's already started too!
18. What has been the most fun about being pregnant? Thinking about the birth is getting me really excited!
19. What has been the most surprising? How huge I am. I never thought my skin could stretch so far.
20. What have you liked the most/least about your first/second/third trimester? The most: getting all the cute girly stuff together! The least: feeling SO heavy.

Week 30 Baby Bump: Q&A

Only 10 more weeks left! I can't hardly believe it is going so fast....but I am so excited to meet her! Lately we've been doing a lot of "nesting", deep cleaning, organizing, buying things like the bassinet and baby bath tub. I've definitely been feeling very pregnant. I can't reach anything beyond my knees, my hip bones are starting to spread which is not very comfortable, and she is head down and pushing hard on my bladder all the time! But I wouldn't change even one minute of it. I love knowing she is in there, and watching her move across my belly. Something that I thought would never happen...and something that may never happen again! Just trying to savor all the little things.

1.  Are you having morning sickness? Occasionally. I would say maybe one or twice a week I feel sick, mostly because there just isn't much room in there and my breakfast wants to come back up!
2. How is the fatigue? I'm sleeping better during the night, but I definitely need to lay down for at least 30 minutes at some point during the day.
3. Frequent potty breaks? Now that she is head down, I'm peeing ALL THE TIME. Like literally every 15-30 minutes.
4. Sense of smell? There are only a few things that still gross me out, one of which is the smell of the toilet (clean or dirty, makes no difference).  
5. What are your cravings? All breakfast foods. Cereal, pancakes, waffles, bagels, chocolate milk...
6. What makes you most nauseas? Not much. If I eat a meal that is too big then I feel really sick.
7. Do you have heartburn? Yes. My doctor just had to up the dose I've been taking to prevent heartburn. Again, food just won't stay down.
8. Have you been moody? Sometimes. Lately it's been more crying than anything.
9. Have you been crying a lot? See above.
10. Weight gain/loss? 25 pounds! It scares me to see the scale, because that is not a number I've ever seen before! But I don't obsess over it...you can't NOT gain weight, especially when Joelle is gaining nearly a pound a week.
11. Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie. It's stretched really tight and there really isn't an opening anymore LOL
12. Any stretch marks? No new ones. I have two or three (from puberty) that seem to be getting pink again.
13. Have you felt the baby move? All the time. There is never an hour that goes by without her moving.  She is quite big now, so when she moves it shifts my whole belly.
14. Have you made your first baby purchase? Recently we bought the bassinet and baby bath.
15. Do you think it will be a boy or a girl? She's still a girl.
16. Who will be the baby's favorite person? Daddy. She doesn't know it yet, but she already has him wrapped around her little finger!
17. Who will spoil the baby the most? My mom. Definitely. And it's already started too!
18. What has been the most fun about being pregnant? I just love having her with me all the time.
19. What has been the most surprising? How fast it is all going!
20. What have you liked the most/least about your first/second/third trimester? Being able to watch her move, and knowing that she will be here very soon! Like the least? Heartburn and the constant need to pee.

 
 

A Peek Into The Past -- August 2010

It's strange to think that almost exactly 3 years ago I posted these two entries, and I had no idea that every single thing I was hoping for would come true. Last week I was "cleaning up" my blog, and I came across these entries that I had nearly forgotten about. It sure does take me back...I can still feel that ache, the desperation, the sadness.

There are so many things in these two posts that really surprise me, because at the time I had no idea how true they would be.

"I try my very hardest every second of every day to just let it go….just relax…just pretend like I don’t care…like I’d rather have my big house and new car and fancy job….but we all know that’s a lie. I would give all of it up in a heartbeat if it meant I could carry a precious little life inside of me."

Dang. Little did I know that is exactly what would happen. We literally did give up all of our "stuff" to have this baby. We made the choice to file bankruptcy, give up our cars, and lose our home - just to allow us to save the money that we needed for the first round of IVF (even though that IVF, and the second IVF, were both unsuccessful). Choices that we are still feeling the effects of today, and that we will continue to to feel for a couple more years - but with NO regrets. We should be able to qualify for a home loan again right around the time Joelle is getting ready to enter kindergarten, which I am very excited about!

"Wouldn’t it be nice if once we have the $20,000 saved up then – POW! Prego! Wishful thinking I know….but a girl can dream."

This is EXACTLY what did happen. We were scheduled to meet with Dr Richards for our third round of IVF, and I found out I was pregnant the week before! 

"We long to see my big pregnant belly…to feel our little gift from Heaven move inside me…"

"Not a week goes by without dreaming of my baby...last night I had my baby...a little girl all curled up in my arms."

But today, as I am reading through these posts I can look down at my belly, I can feel my sweet baby girl move, and through my tears I can thank my Heavenly Father for blessing us with this child. What a long road it has been, and I honestly thought it was never going to end like this.

We wished. We prayed. We cried. And then our prayers were answered.

Enjoy this peek into our past!

Friday, August 13, 2010

{{Dear Diary....}}
 
Its been a while since my last attempt at Blogging. Honestly, I’ve just been keeping myself distracted with work, school, friends…anything really. Anything to keep my mind off the always pressing issue of having a baby. But guess what?! I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS! Oh wait- no I don’t. haha Got your hopes up just a little bit didn’t I? Well now you know how it feels :)

Yes, here we are three years from that first negative test…and I am yet again staring at that unsightly “Not Pregnant” on my Clearblue test. I hate those words. Hate them with a passion…yet somehow we have developed a strong relationship over the past few years. Not Pregnant must really like me…because he just won’t leave me alone. The hopes of my “almost baby” are crushed time and time again. So what do I do when I finally get to that breaking point? I blog. It’s all I really can do to get it all out there- all this raw emotion that I don’t tell anyone about. I don’t like being the victim, and I don’t ever want to burden other people with my woes….I mean, c’mon, we all have something to complain about so I’m sure I don’t have it the worst. So anyways, I use my blog like a diary- except I share it with all of you! Who knows…maybe someone actually finds this interesting. Even if no one ever reads it, it doesn’t matter. I’m doing this for me- for my sanity.

I try my very hardest every second of every day to just let it go….just relax…just pretend like I don’t care…like I’d rather have my big house and new car and fancy job….but we all know that’s a lie. I would give all of it up in a heartbeat if it meant I could carry a precious little life inside of me. To have a family. Not that I don’t love my life, because I do! I love my hubby so much- I love how supportive he is of me and how hard he works for our family. But (and he would agree with this statement) …our family just isn’t complete. Not yet. We long to see my big pregnant belly…to feel our little gift from Heaven move inside me…to see its squishy pink face…to smell him (or her I guess)…to wake up every hour all night long just to be able to comfort our crying baby…to clean up baby poop and throw up…but most of all to see them grow and learn and become their own person. That’s all we want. But instead we have to deal with the anxiety of the one-week-wait…”Am I? Am I not?” I become obessessive really. I can’t think about a single other thing between Day 28 and the day Mother Nature decides to grace me with her presence. I think about the empty room next to ours- I picture the crib and the rocking chair, I think of all the names we have picked out (seriously, we have like 20 names all ready to go! LOL).

Anyway. Its been more than a year since we did our IUI and started our adoption processes – both of which failed miserably. Since then I have seen a handfull of good friends get pregnant, have their babies, and I am truly envious. I am happy for them (really, I really am). That is one think I have learned in the past three years- how to honestly be happy for those who deserve it. I just wonder when it will be my time…and in the meantime I take care of my dog and husband like they are my children :) haha What are you gonna do…not much we can do. We save (and save and save and save and save…..), but jeez it sure does take a long time to save $20,000. Wouldn’t it be nice if once we have the $20,000 saved up then – POW! Prego! Wishful thinking I know….but a girl can dream.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

{{Sweet Dreams}}

My favorite part of the day is laying down in bed and falling asleep...because my dreams are the only place where all my wishes come true. Not a week goes by without dreaming of my baby. While I hate to wake up to the reality that it was only a dream, I love to be in those dreams because they feel so real. Sometimes I dream that I'm pregnant, sometimes I dream that I already have my baby. Last night I already had my baby...a little girl all curled up in my arms. I'm happy that it was a girl this time, because it's almost always a boy. It was the most perfect dream...just me and my baby girl. I love those dreams. Even though I wake up with my arms (literally) aching from the loss of my baby, I also wake up with renewed energy and hope. My dreams keep me going, reminding me what it is that we are struggling for. So today I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for dreams.

 

Week 23 Baby Bump: Q&A

Alright, week 23 and I'm feeling pretty good most of the time! Mark finally felt Joelle move last night, it was the first time that he was patient enough to sit there for a few minutes and wait for her to kick! But he did feel her, and he was like "Woah, what was that?!" It was just a soft kick while we were laying in bed...I'm still waiting for him to feel one of her whammy kicks. Those usually happen after I finish eating. We've had Mother's Day, and Father's Day, and two baby showers! It's been so fun being able to celebrate our little Joelle.

So anyways, here we go...!

1.  Are you having morning sickness? Never. It is gone 100%. Hallelujah!
2. How is the fatigue? I wake up really tired and crabby. I would encourage most people to not talk to me until I have at least eaten breakfast. On rare days I wake up feeling refreshed, but generally speaking I wake up a lot during the night so I'm just pretty tired!
3. Frequent potty breaks? Yes, but it is getting less frequent (or should I say, I have learned how to hold it for longer periods of time!)
4. Sense of smell? There are only a few things that still gross me out, one of which is the smell of the toilet (clean or dirty, makes no difference).  
5. What are your cravings? Cereal. Lots and lots of cereal.
6. What makes you most nauseas? Fish and veggies like asparagus.
7. Do you have heartburn? Oh yeah! It was getting really really bad, so now I've started taking Prilosec everyday and that seems to have helped a lot.
8. Have you been moody? Kinda...I think I would describe it more like being annoyed. People annoy me.
9. Have you been crying a lot? Lately I only cry when I start to really think about the fact that Joelle is growing, and I can feel her, and that she is a real person!
10. Weight gain/loss? The scale is showing a 13 lbs increase (but I still like to remind myself that I lost 8 lbs to begin with!).
11. Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie...but it's starting to get stretched really tight.
12. Any stretch marks? Nope.
13. Have you felt the baby move? Oh yeah, it's almost constant! She feels like a huge fish flopping around, and she frequently kicks up really high on my ribs. Most of the time it seems that her head is down very low on my left side, and her feet are up really high on my right side. I'll feel her body making big movements down low and at the same time her feet will be kicking my ribs (but it doesn't hurt, yet!).
14. Have you made your first baby purchase? We've started to buy things here and there, but really most of the stuff has come in the form of gifts! Her closet is almost full already.
15. Do you think it will be a boy or a girl? She's still a girl.
16. Who will be the baby's favorite person? I think it will be a tie between Daddy and Melinda.
17. Who will spoil the baby the most? My mom. Definitely. And it's already started too!
18. What has been the most fun about being pregnant? Right now I'm just really enjoying feeling her move all the time!
19. What has been the most surprising? That I haven't gained more weight! I thought that if I ever got pregnant I would be one of those that just end up looking fat, but so far my body hasn't changed too much except my expanding belly!
20. What have you liked the most/least about your first/second/third trimester? I love feeling her move all the time. It is getting more and more real all the time. What have I like the least? Bleeding, congested nose and not sleeping well. Not too many complaints!

 
Here's a look at my current cereal collection:

 
 And, let's not forget, Mark graduated with his Bachelor's degree!

 
 

Death, Inspiration, & Creating Your Destiny

Mark is off camping tonight, so I'm just sitting here with my dog and a big bowl of Thin Mint ice cream, reflecting on the things in my life that inspire me...and more importantly, the people who inspire me.

This weekend Mark and I have the privilege of attending the funeral of Mark's co-worker, Phil Nauahi. Phil was, and is, an amazing person with such a positive outlook on life. Even throughout his 18 year long battle with cancer he continued to live with the perspective that you should live each day to the fullest. Phil created his own happiness.

Now, I'm going to add a disclaimer: I did not get permission from the following friends to talk about them on my blog. But I just hope they won't mind :)

I love inspirational people! When going through trials I love to have other people to look up to...when trying to improve myself I love to see someone else who is setting a good example for me...I just love seeing people who go after their dreams, no matter how big or small they may be.

For me, my dreams include building a family and using my talents to help support my family. Of course along with "building a family" Mark and I also have the desire to foster and adopt, or at the very least to have some kind of positive impact on children in need. Over the years my outlook on life has changed from wishing wishing wishing that this/that/the other thing was different/better/etc. to embracing what I have now (although admittedly, I am not perfect and always have room for improvement).

One friend of mine has been a great example to me while Mark and I have struggled to build our family. Liz has a beautiful, adopted, multi-racial family. She showed Mark and I great kindness, even though she barely knew us, by dropping off a sweet note and plate of treats on a particularly difficult Mother's Day. A perfect example of her thoughtfulness. She is inspirational to me. And I love that her family doesn't "match"...something that I hope to one day see in my own family. She inspires me to continue in our fight to complete our family.

Something else that I'm always trying to improve upon - my health and overall wellness. My friend Amy is a superb example of health. She dedicated herself 110% and has transformed her body into the prime example of strong and beautiful. She is a fitness competitor, fitness model, and a fitness and nutrition blogger (most recently for BodyRockTV). She sets goals for her self and SHE ACHIEVES them. Her dedication is inspiring.

And you know what else? Not only is she succeeding with her fitness goals, but she is also succeeding in her desire to become a graphic designer. Recently landing a job with CBS, and she even has an awesome etsy shop (looking for birthday invitations, birth announcements, or wedding invitations? check it out: https://www.etsy.com/shop/PaperTalesCustom?page=1). This girl goes after her dreams, and I love it. She is the owner of her destiny.

Of course I certainly cannot talk about people who inspire me without talking about my husband. He is humble and extremely service-minded. I wish I was more like him! He is also dedicated. After 7 long years, working full-time, taking on all the responsibilities of a husband, and working through his own personal trials, he has earned his Bachelor's degree! And because he is never content unless he is progressing, he will be starting his Master's degree program in two weeks. He always gives 100%, he is always willing to give up his own time to help someone else, and he is always trying to improve himself. He inspires me to be a better person.

All of these people create their own destinies. I want to be like these people! I think it is so important to have purpose in your life, no matter what it is. Find your purpose! Find your inspiration! Become an inspiration! Take charge of your life and you can create your own destiny. Everyday I'm working to create my own destiny (but it's never easy, so I'm happy to have people like you to keep me going!). Live with no regrets, you will be happier :)

Week 16 Baby Bump: Q & A

We are pushing along in the second trimester! For all those who missed it - we're having a girl! And these days I am feeling SO much better. My belly still hasn't really "popped" yet, and I'm feeling like I'm somewhere between fat and pregnant. I definitely feel like this little girl is "stealing my beauty"...as the old wives tale goes...so I generally don't feel very attractive. LOL Other than the occasional backache or migraine, I am generally loving every minute of this pregnancy!

1. Are you having morning sickness? NO! Okay, well just sometimes. I would say it is 90% gone.
2. How is the fatigue? Getting better...most days I can at least motivate myself to wash the dishes and take a shower.
3. Frequent potty breaks? Yes. Please make it stop.
4. Sense of smell? SO much better! I no longer have to hold my breath when I open the pantry door. 
5. What are your cravings? Icees and Mexican food. Burritos everyday!
6. What makes you most nauseas? Yogurt, fish, red meat, and really strong smells.
7. Do you have heartburn? Yes, but it's not that bad (yet). Maybe a couple times a week.
8. Have you been moody? For sure.
9. Have you been crying a lot? I cry about EVERYTHING.
10. Weight gain/loss? After I initially lost 8 pounds, I have now managed to gain another 3 pounds back!
11. Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie.
12. Any stretch marks? Nope.
13. Have you felt the baby move? YES!! And I've got a serious issue with anyone who says it feels like "butterflies". Please, this does not feel like fluttering little butterflies. Muscle spasm, pop, someone flicking you from the inside...and even those don't really describe it. But with this whole "butterfly" idea in my head, it took an entire day of baby-movements for me to realize what was happening! Thank goodness Google was there to tell me it was my baby that I was feeling.
14. Have you made your first baby purchase? Yes. On the day we found out she was a girl I went right out and bought some pink leggings with ruffles on the bum :)
15. Do you think it will be a boy or a girl? If you recall, at week 12 Mark and I both thought the baby would be a girl...and we were right! And most of those old wives tales were dead-on too.
16. Do you have any names picked out? Yep. This baby has been named! On the way to our gender-determination ultrasound we agreed on the "perfect" name...of course it was a girl name, so our fingers were crossed that we would be having a girl!
17. Who will be the baby's favorite person? I'm still going with Melinda...since she will probably be around the baby every day :)
18. Who will spoil the baby the most? My mom. Definitely. And it's already started too!
19. What has been the most fun about being pregnant? Finding out the gender and feeling her move for the first time! And since we know the gender, and we have a name picked out, I love to hear Mark talk to her and rub my tiny belly.
20. What has been the most surprising? How quickly my morning sickness disappeared, and finding out that our intuition was correct that we were having a girl!
21. What have you liked the most/least about your first/second/third trimester? A couple weeks into the second trimester now and what I love the most is felling her move, feeling like I can actually connect with her, talk to her, and that I can start planning the girly details of her nursery. What have I like the least? Bleeding, congested nose...Baby Brain/Gestational Amnesia/Extreme Forgetfulness...vivid bizarre dreams...serious cramping (as my uterus is rapidly growing)...and I've got the "dropsies". I drop EVERYTHING. Bowls and plates are shattering to the ground, shampoo bottles are breaking, and I'm shocked that I have not chopped off a toe yet with how frequently I drop steak knives.

This baby is a...

GIRL! I kneeeeeew it! We are so excited for this sweet little girl. Dresses and bows and painted fingernails....I am in heaven.

We went to Fetal Fotos for the ultrasound, because our next OB appointment isn't until the end of May. It was well worth the money, and I would highly recommend Fetal Fotos. It was very spa-like and they gave us tons of printed photos, plus a digital copy of the photos, and a DVD of the entire ultrasound. I think I am most excited about the DVD because instead of us just telling our family what the baby was doing, they can see it! She did not stop moving for a single second. She was kicking, and waving, and yawning, and she even did a complete somersault for us! At one point the ultrasound tech poked the baby with her fingers to try and get her to un-cross her legs (to get a better veiw) and she kicked her right back! She's a sassy little thing.

It was so surreal to see this tiny baby moving inside of me...and yet, I don't feel a thing! I'll be 16 weeks on Saturday, so maybe in the next week or two I might start feeling something (although I have no idea what to be looking for).

We were going to wait until Thursday to tell our family the gender, but there were so many conflicting schedules that we just ended up doing it last night. So, we had 4 iPhones and 2 iPads going all at the same time with FaceTime to our parents and siblings (they pretty much all live out of state). Plus we had Melinda and Robbie and Graham over at our house...someone had to help hold all those phones! I had the box (from the picture above) all wrapped up and Mark and I opened it up to reveal the pink balloons. It was so much fun, and it felt like everyone was there with us! Thank goodness for technology!

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice?

Next week we are finding out the sex of the baby (assuming he/she cooperates!), so this week we have been taking polls to find out what everyone else thinks! Boy or girl? So far, it's been an overwhelming number of BOY votes.

This week we got back from a 12 day vacation to Florida, Haiti, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Cozumel (and I am seriously missing the warm weather!). But while we were on our cruise I got a massage. This little Filipino lady was the one giving me the massage...she is from the Philippines and has been working on the cruise ship for several years. When the massage was over she said to me "So you're having a girl?" I told her that we didn't know yet if the baby is a boy or a girl, to which she responded "Oh no, you're having a girl! I can tell just by looking at your belly!"

Well, this got me thinking....let's try out a bunch of old wives tales to see what the gender will be! So here you go:

1.) The Mayan tale adds the mothers age at conception and the year of conception. If the result is a even number then mom is having a girl. If the result is an odd number then a boy is on the way. That would mean a BOY for me!

2.) This test combines a tablespoon of baking soda and urine together. If the mixture does nothing, it's a girl. If it fizzes, it's a boy. GIRL!

3.) It is thought that a baby girl will steal her mother's beauty. So if your skin and hair become dry or if you have a lot of acne then it's a girl. My skin and hair went from being great before I was pregnant, to dry as a bone. So I guess this gets a vote for a GIRL.

4.) People believe that if you are craving salty foods while pregnant, you can count on having a boy. If you crave sweets, fruit, and orange juice, you are having a little girl. Definitely a GIRL!

5.) If the baby's heart rate is above 140 bpm, it is said that the baby will be a girl. If it is under 140 bpm, then it will be a boy. Another GIRL.

6.) Take off your wedding ring, tie it to a piece of string, and hang it over your belly. If it swings in a circle, you are promised a boy; back and forth indicates a girl. I tried this one three times- all the same...GIRL.

7.) If your hubby packs on a little sympathy weight, the tales say you're in for a sugary-sweet little girl. Haha poor Mark...another GIRL!

8.) Sick as a dog? Morning sickness indicates pink. If you sail through without any sickness, it's blue skies ahead. GIRL!

9.) If you dream about having a girl while pregnant, you will wind up having a boy and vice versa. I've only dreamed about boy babies, so another GIRL.

10.) If a toddler boy shows interest in your belly, you'll have a girl. If he ignores you, it's a boy. Graham has determined that I am having a baby girl which we should name "Brother". Hmm. I guess it's another vote for GIRL!

11.) Mood swings? The extra hormones say it's a girl. You can verify this one with Mark- I'm pretty sure it's another GIRL.

12.) If you feel as though you're gliding through the day, you'll have a girl. Clumsy? It's a boy. This would indicate a BOY for me.

13.) If you're craving citrus while pregnant, you're having a girl. I've been eating lemons like there's no tomorrow! Just thinking about it makes me want to eat one...GIRL.

14.) Using the Chinese lunar month and age...BOY!

15.) This one is simple...what do Mark and I think the baby is going to be? We both agree- GIRL :)


Stay tuned for the gender announcement in the next week or two!

Week 12 Baby Bump: First Trimester Wrap Up

Wow, time sure does fly by when you're puking your guts out having fun! This is week 12 and I am happily moving into my second trimester very soon. I figured it would be kinda fun at the end of each trimester to answer the same set of questions to see how things are changing with the pregnancy! If you can think of any other questions that you would want me to add to the list, just let me know :)

1. Are you having morning sickness? YES. But I've started to get it under control now, figuring out the little tricks that help.
2. How is the fatigue? Oh my gosh. We're talking TOTAL EXHAUSTION. I sleep in every day until 10am, and by 1pm I am laying down again for a nap.
3. Frequent potty breaks? Yes. Too often.
4. Sense of smell? I smell EVERYTHING. We've had to put air fresheners in just about every room of our (brand new) condo because it "smells". I can't even walk into our pantry without holding my breath because the smell of the food is so overwhelming it makes me throw up.
5. What are your cravings? Lately, I've been craving: Icees, ice cream, pizza, cream cheese, spicy things, and anything orange flavored (tic tacs, fruit snacks, soda, gum...)
6. What makes you most nauseas? These days, just about everything. Meat, veggies, yogurt, eggs, fast food, dirty dishes, the smell of bathrooms...
7. Do you have heartburn? I just started getting heartburn this week, but it's infrequent.
8. Have you been moody? Ha! Uh, yeah.
9. Have you been crying a lot? I haven't been crying a lot, but I have been crying at things that are super random.
10. Weight gain/loss? I've lost 8 pounds.
11. Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie!
12. Any stretch marks? Nope
13. Have you felt the baby move? I don't think so...but we have seen the baby moving a lot on our last ultrasound.
14. Have you made your first baby purchase? We have not bought anything for the baby yet.
15. Do you think it will be a boy or a girl? We don't really have any ideas yet, but we think it would be really fun to have a girl!
16. Do you have any names picked out? We have tons of girl names, but we've really been struggling to come up with boy names.
17. Who will be the baby's favorite person? Hmm, that's a tough one - probably Melinda.
18. Who will spoil the baby the most? My mom. Definitely.
19. What has been the most fun about being pregnant? Telling people that I am pregnant has been the most fun, because it was so unexpected! And because everyone has been so excited for us.
20. What has been the most surprising? How quickly I have felt like some alien has taken over my body.
21. What have you liked the most/least about your first/second/third trimester? What I've liked the most about my first trimester is just knowing that I really am pregnant. What I've like the least is the exhaustion and sickness.

Not the flu...definitely not the flu...

Well folks, here it is - the blog post that I thought would never happen!

BOOM! That just happened. That little sea monkey is snuggled up nice and warm and making me sick as a dog! Remember me Facebook status a couple weeks back - the one where I thought I had the flu for like 3 weeks? Yeah...not the flu. I finally went to the doctor, expecting to come home with antibiotics or something, and instead I find out I'm pregnant!

Totally unexpected. Complete shocker. And SOOOO exciting!

6 years of trying, 1 IUI, 2 IVFs, 2 adoption agencies, and foster care. This is our little miracle baby.

We were so excited to start sharing the news, and of course Melinda, Robbie, and Graham were the first to know. Graham is so cute, he seems to have really grasped the idea that there is a baby somewhere inside me and he loves to tell me about it all the time. I finally got it on video...

We drove to California this weekend so that we could share the news with our family. We told my parents and my little brother Lucas at like 1am on Friday night (we showed them the video of Graham). The reaction was priceless, so I just have to share it!

We also shared the news with all of the rest of our family - Mark's parents, our siblings, all of our closest friends. Everyone has been so excited, it's been really fun!

It still doesn't even feel real...except when I'm throwing up all day every day ;)

Give Him Wings & Let Him Fly

This past Saturday we dropped C off to live with his dad! Oh how sad it was. But we had a really good week leading up to it! We had a super fun going-away party on Monday with Melinda, Robbie & Graham, and with the Bonhams. We had balloons and dinner and decorated sugar cookies! It was a great setting for the Bonhams to say their good-byes. They have been so supportive and loving of C, so it was important that they got their own special opportunity to spend time with him.

Throughout the rest of the week we had people stop by to give lots of hugs and kisses to C, and it was really nice. We had LOTS of FaceTime with our family out of state family. We had tons of family time, staying up late, watching movies, and playing playing playing!

Mark and I bought a special book to send with C. It's a book that perfectly describes our love for C and we wrote a message on the inside cover, and hopefully it's something he can keep forever. I thought about taking a picture so that I could post it on here...but in the end, I felt like it was just too personal and sensitive to share those thoughts with everyone.

The book is called "Love You When".... http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/love-you-when-linda-kranz/1110061035?ean=9781589797031

I washed all of his tiny socks and tiny shirts. Carefully packed up his special toys and his blanket. And then closed his bedroom door so that I didn't have to look at the bag sitting there!

Saturday morning we got in the car and cried all the way to drop him off. Rough. That's one way to explain it. The drop-off didn't take long, but his dad was emotional and did thank us for taking such good care of him. Even being so little, C still knew something wasn't right. He's not used to seeing us cry like that, so he just sat there looking very concerned. That was hard to see. I hope that he had sweet little angels to help calm and reassure him.

What a sweet boy he is, and we miss him so much!

We have no regrets, and we wouldn't have changed anything. But this was all a huge learning experience for us and there are things we will do differently next time.

But in the end we feel like we did exactly what we were meant to do - we gave him the love and nurtured him, helped him to grow and heal, and then we let him go! Yes it is extremely difficult (even harder than we ever expected), but how rewarding it has been. We have grown so much. Learned so much. This little boy stole our hearts from the moment we laid eyes on him...he will always be "our son"...he made us parents. We will always cherish his sweet spirit in our home.

Heart of the Fathers to the Children

** Guest post! My sweet hubby decided he wanted to try his hand at blogging! Enjoy :) ***

For the first year we lived it Utah, I did not know what really brought us here. I took a huge pay cut, I hated my job, and I wished I was around my friends in AZ. It wasn't until we lived here for a year that I realized that there were people that I need to be around to learn from and serve. Gaining stronger relationships with family, building friendships that are as strong as family, and caring for chandler. If it wasn't for moving to Utah, I never would have learned how to be more Christ like from Chandler and that is a gift that is worth more than anything I could ever buy (even a new iPhone).

This last year, Brittany and I had an experience that I will never forget. In the Bible, Malachi 4:6 says, “And He shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers..." Foster care has done that and more for me. As Chandler came into our lives, my heart has turned to him to teach me how to be a better man. As I learned to love Chandler as my own child, I learned how to be more like the Savior and to love everyone, no matter what the circumstances.

On August 3, 2012, Brittany and I were at a movie with Melinda, Robbie, Meghan, and Brad. Up until that point, Brittany and I had done multiple infertility treatments that failed. We had tried adopting, which turned out to be unsuccessful so far. But through all of this, we still had faith that Heavenly Father had something special in mind for us. What we didn’t know, was where He would lead us. At this time, all we could do was practice faith because our spirits were getting discouraged, our hope was dwindling. During the movie a phone call came. As I listened to the message that a social worker with DCFS left, a burst of joy and excitement went through me. There was a little boy that was 11 months old that had been taken to Primary Children’s Hospital. He was malnourished, unbathed, and poor in spirit. We willingly said that we would take him into our home to help him. What we didn’t know, was how much he would actually be helping us.

For the first few days that we had "C", we could tell that he was down in spirit. As we worked with him, loved him, and cared for him, his spirit began to change. Here we were, with this precious child, hoping to do all that we could in order to help him learn and grow, to feel the Holy Spirit, and to feel loved. As time went on, I learned that C was in our home to teach us.

As we attended court hearings, visitations, meetings with social workers, and visits with his birth parents, I took special note that I had a lot to learn. These people were rough around the edges. They were in and out of prison for drug abuse, domestic violence, and now neglecting an innocent child. How could they do this? How could someone be so selfish to let a child - a baby - go without the basics in life? How could they let a child go without food, or be there to soothe him when crying, change his diapers, teach him the basics in life? How could they not teach him how to play peek-a-boo, climb the stairs, or laugh at all of the things that people do to get a baby to laugh?

At first, I could not believe that someone could do this to such an innocent child. My love for C was immediate and strong. I thought I had everything I needed in order to give him the things that he missed out on during the first 11 months of his life. What I didn’t know was that I was missing the pure love of Christ. I was so judgmental of others that I could not help them because of my selfishness. I saw them as being the “bad guys” in the story.

As time went on, and visits increased, I continued in my ways. I saw "M" [dad] and "T" [mom] as the bad guys. It wasn’t until 5 months after we got C that I realized that I needed to change. And C was to help me through this change so that I could be more Christ like, more willing to accept others for who they are, and less likely to judge others because I think I know the whole story. C looked at everyone he interacted with as a joy in his life. His best friend Graham taught him how to climb the stairs, how to golf with a spoon (or any device that could be used like a golf club). Graham and C are best friends and did so much together. Every member of the family that he met became someone that he immediately loved. He would give each person a snuggle, even his cousins in California and Arizona that he was only around for a few days. To him, there was no evil in someone. He would not even look at his own mother - who would come to the visits "impaired" - and not see the good in her. He loved EVERYONE.

C is just like the Savior and loves everyone that he meets. As I recognized this, I realized that this is what the pure love of Christ is. This is charity at its fullest. I was beginning to look to C to learn from his sweet spirit, his selfless actions, and his joy and love for others. My heart was turning to C so that I could be more Christ like and love others as he does.

As time went by, I began to pray with Brittany and C that we could see his birth parents differently. I wanted to see them as Christ sees them. T [mom] then asked Brittany if we would adopt C. This immediately changed how I saw her. Even though the option of adopting C was far off, I immediately looked at T as someone who needed help. She has serious struggles in her life, and knew she could not care for him. As we met with M [dad] more, I realized that instead of trying to do all that I could to keep C from him, I needed to offer words of encouragement so that he would have the confidence he needs when C was living with him again. He began to open up to us. As he did this we opened up to him. This gave me peace.

While our time C has been short, I have learned more about being a charitable person. As I have changed, I have learned to be more forgiving of others and accept them for who they are, not what they do. Because of C, I now see others the way I think that the Savior sees them, capable of so much.

I will never forget all of the fun that we had along the way. We went to the lake with the Woods and Jaidyn, 2 trips to California to see the Cathey and Altmyer grandparents, cousins and aunts and uncles. We had almost daily interactions with Melinda and Robbie so that C and Graham could play. We went sledding, saw Santa Clause, went to Discover Gateway, went to the air museum, and walked City Creek over and over again. All of this was done while hoping that we could adopt him, but realizing that Heavenly Father has a different plan for C. What was most important to us from the beginning was helping him feel the spirit so that if we could not adopt him, he would be able to recognize the feeling of the Holy Ghost later in life and find his way back to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Every night we would read a book, sing “Families Can Be Together Forever”, and pray together. C loved this routine and always slept better when we made sure that this happened. I know that he felt the Spirit and was being taught through it. I hope that he recognizes these feelings later in life.

As I have prepared for this week, I have built up anxiety. I sometimes try to numb those feelings by thinking of something else, but I know that on Saturday C will be living with his dad again. What has been most precious to me is the love that family members and friends have displayed. This week we have been able to spend a little extra time with family and friends that all care for us and C to celebrate his time with us. The spirit of love and service has been felt during this week.

C is my first son. He will never be forgotten and I look forward to what is ahead. I don’t know if C will return to our home in this life, but I do know and look forward to when I can embrace him in Heaven and thank him for teaching me so much.

Thanks for reading,
Mark

D-Day

Well, the final plans have been made. We will have our sweet little C only until next Saturday.

*sigh*

I'm really torn with this post, because we have worked really hard to come to terms with C leaving us...but still, it's terribly heartbreaking.

We love this little guy so much, and we have such high hopes for his future. We pray everyday that he will never have to go without again. That he will always be loved and cared for.

One thing that is making this whole thing easier is that we have seen a change in C's heart. Up until a week or two ago C still did not display the kind of attachment that was needed for him to be placed back with his father. This was not only observed by us, but also by all of the social workers that are involved in his case. But last week I decided to hang around for a few minutes when I was dropping him off for one of his visits and something strange was staring me right in the face: C had bonded with his father. In fact, he paid me no attention at all! He was so happy and content to be there with him, it made my heart full. I was so grateful to be able to witness this transformation. What a blessing for all of us. A tender mercy.

So while this still isn't easy for us, we are at least prepared. We will definitely cry, and feel like our home is eerily quiet and clean. But it will be okay, and we will jump back into the Foster Care game. We'll take a little break - go on a vacation or something. But by summertime we'll be opening our home (and our hearts) once again.

What a fantastic adventure this has been. We feel lucky to have been part of sweet little C's life.

Until next time...here is some picture overload :)

Foster Care: Facing the Reality

Let's just start with this well-known fact about me: I'm an incredibly emotional creature. My emotions cut deep into my soul. This is why when I see a lost dog it makes me want to cry, or why I make care-kits to hand out to homeless people, and it's why we are doing Foster Care. I can feel the emotions of others, and I take those on as my own.

I know how many children are suffering - hungry, cold, abused, neglected, homeless...those children just need a break. They need a break from their reality. They need a safe, soft, warm place to land with a mom and a dad (and aunts, and uncles, and cousins, and grandparents, and friends...) who will love them unconditionally. They need to know what it feels like to always wake up in the same bed, in the same house, with the same friendly and loving faces to greet them. Food on the table, warm clothes on their bodies, and consistency.

They need someone to kiss their owies and wipe away their tears. Take them to the doctor when they are sick, and give them extra snuggles. Someone to give them a bath at 2am after they throw up all over themselves. And someone to give them guidance, and help them to overcome the challenges they have faced in life.

The basic needs of every child.

So this is why I love Foster Care, because it gives me (and Mark) a chance to temporarily provide for those children. And for Mark and I, it fulfills our incredible desire to have children. It is fulfilling for us, and it is rewarding to those children that we are able to love. They will forever be in our hearts, and in our homes.

So, here we are...

We've had our little C for 6 months now. I can't remember if I've ever talked about this here, but the night we got C we were told not to accept the placement unless we were prepared to adopt him - that the situation he was coming from was such that he would not be able to return home. So when I first laid eyes on him, it was like I was looking at my son. We immediately took him on as our own, and we bonded overnight. This is of course exactly what C needed - someone to love him, but it was a bad choice for our hearts.

About two weeks later is when we found out that there would be a reunification plan with C's parents. Since then we have continued to love him just the same, because honestly, you can't really just stop loving this sweet little guy. He stole our hearts!

He's had all of his major milestones with us - his first birthday, standing, walking, talking,  feeding himself, building his first lego tower, having his first best friend, going to his first rodeo, getting his first haircut...I could go on. But I think you get the picture. We've celebrated with him, and we have soaked in every minute of it.

But today the final steps have been made to transition C to live with his dad (his mom asked us if we would adopt him, but unfortunately his dad does not feel the same way). We will have at minimum two more weeks with him, but at most a month.

I've already started grieving. I can feel the loss and it hasn't even happened yet. I know that there is nothing we can do about the situation, it is not up to us, however I can't help but feel like I've just done something horrible. C is going to wake up wondering where we are -why did we leave him. Will he think that we don't love him? Will he think that he has been abandoned again? Will they know all of the baby sign language that he uses? Will they know that he needs to have hot sauce on his scrambled eggs? That when he cries in the morning it means he wants his milk and to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse? Will they tuck him in the right way? Will they sing to him and read him his favorite story before bed? But most of all...will they love him the way that we love him? I can only pray that they will.

My heart is plagued with guilt, and I know there will be many sleepless nights to come. So as I prepare all of his tiny shirts, and tiny shoes, and his favorite toys and books to go with him - I will also be praying for a miracle.

But until then, we will be cherishing all of the sweet little moments that we have with him. Let him stay up a little later...eat a few more cookies...rock him to sleep even when I have a mountain of laundry to do...kiss his dirty little face before I wipe it clean...try to bottle up every sound, every smell, every smile, every laugh...tuck them away someplace safe...so that whenever my heart aches I can go back to that sweet little boy and feel his little arms around my neck.

And such is the life of Foster Parents. It's time to face the reality.

August 3, 2012

 I figure its time to post something to get everyone caught up.

PART ONE

We got a call around 10:30pm on August 3rd that there was a 1 year old boy at the Children's Hospital who needed to be placed with a foster family. We were just walking out of a movie...it was Total Recall. The movie was awful, seriously. So dumb.

Anyways, we rushed home to get a few things then headed out to Salt Lake. We picked him up in the children's ER. It was really late at that point, and he was sleeping. So we just got all the neccessary info, put him in the car, and headed home! The first few days were really rough. I'm sure C was scared, and confused, and at 11 months he couldn't understand. It was really difficult to try and figure out what things he liked to eat, did he take a bottle, did he like to have a binkie, did he have a sleep schedule...? He was afraid of the bath, he didn't take a bottle, he was dehydrated, hungry, constipated, and so so tired. So we just snuggled him, and tried to give him plenty of juice, formula, and baby food. After a few days we cut the baby food out completely and he just ate solid foods. He gained 6 lbs in the first 10 days that he was in our home, and by the second week he was getting into somewhat of a routine. Nap times were still terrible, and I couldn't figure out what to do. After a month or so we finally got him on a real sleep routine and he is MUCH happier!

The first night, right after we got home...

 


PART TWO

I wish I could post a pic of his sweet little face. He has the most perfect complexion...(Cherokee Indian, coming from his mother's side, and Caucasian from his father)...perfectly smooth olive skin, with BIG blue eyes. With his long, long black eyelashes and full eyebrows. I do think he's going to have a bit of an eyebrow situation when he gets older. Gonna have to handle those LOL He has perfectly dark pink lips, and as of today, he has six teeth! When we got him he only had his two front bottom teeth, now he has three on top and three on the bottom.

At the rodeo, about a week after having C placed with us...

His favorite activities include: eating everything in sight, blowing kisses, dancing, pulling the dog's tail, riding his "bike", taking walks in the stroller, eating grass/rocks/wood chips, swinging high, and being tickled. He also LOVES to play with his "cousin" Graham. Best buddies. Graham's name for C is something like "Chandoooo"...it's the cutest thing ever.

 
His biggest, most recent, accomplishment is walking!! He took his first steps, on his own, earlier this week. He also started saying "Uh oh!" this week too. He will RAWR like a dinosaur, and he's got the K part of "truck" ;)

His favorite foods are: everything.

LOL But he really loves: yogurt, scrambled eggs with ketchup, black beans, burritos, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, Doritos, cheese, fruit snacks, spaghetti, peanut butter sandwiches, and ANYTHING that could be considered a dessert. He has only ever refused one food: strawberries. He would devour an entire piece of fish before he would swallow one bite of a strawberry. Odd.

He loves Beamer (our dog), and Beamer certainly loves him too! With a constant flow of goldfish, cheese sticks, and Teddy Grahams falling on the floor...what's not to love?! Eh, at least it saves me from having to clean it up.

C is also COMPLETELY in love with Mark. He gets soooo excited when he see Mark in the morning, or when we visit him at work, or when Mark gets home from work. He kicks his legs and squeals "dada! dada!" But I don't blame him, I think Mark is pretty awesome too. (I'm pretty sure that C's father must have been the primary caretaker, because C is really drawn to men...and "dada" is not something we taught him, he was already babbling "dada" from the time he was placed with us).  

 (ignore the black bars on the sides of some of the pics, I don't know what that's all about...)

I think these would have to be my top 3 favorite parts of the day:

1.) Picking C up out of his crib in the morning, and having him immediately snuggle deep down into my neck
2.) Watching him climb up on top of Mark in the morning and say "DADADADA!!!" to wake him up. And there's an occasional hit to the face or sippy cup chucked at his forehead. But Mark loves it ;)
3.) Seeing him kick his legs and squeal in delight when "dada" comes home from work

And then there's the comments from strangers like "Oh he has your blue eyes!" or "Are they twins/brothers?" (referring to C and Graham). Hahaha Gotta love it. Of course my response is always "Thank you!" or "They're cousins!"

PART THREE

Now, I know everyone wants to know the latest on his parent's situation...but I really don't feel like its appropriate to post those details on here. They have their struggles in life, but they deserve to have some privacy to the details their lives.

But the simple breakdown is like this:

1.) Both parents have 8 months to complete several steps that will lead them to an addiction-free life, permanent housing, jobs, and necessary life and parenting skills. We are currently 3 months into those 8 months, and they still have a long road ahead of them.

2.) Each parent gets 1 hour a week to visit with C. Whether or not they choose to show up to those visits...well, that's up to them.

3.) Our next court date is December 19th.

4.) If both parents are unable or unwilling to complete step 1, then the judge will make C "legally free" for adoption. This just means that the parental rights will be terminated, and DCFS and the judge will begin the process of deciding who will adopt C.

5.) Mark and I are NOT given preference for adoption. First preference will go to direct kinship (so far, the only kinship that has come forward are in other states). Next, the family that adopted C's siblings (years ago) will have the option to adopt. BUT (this is where is gets a bit tricky), there is a chance that the judge would allow us to adopt C instead of him going to the family who adopted his siblings. There are many reasons why, but basically it comes down to the fact that C has never had a relationship with those siblings, and to place him there would create a huge disruption in his life (removing him from us) and in those kids' lives too (having another kid thrown into the mix).

6.) There are WAY too many things that may or may not happen for us to know right now how this will end up. We don't think a whole lot about the future, we try to just live in the moment and enjoy C. Sometimes comments like "I hope he doesn't have to leave your family" or "He is so much better off with you guys" can trigger an emotional response. We don't like to think about those things, it makes us too sad.

A hike to donut falls...

So, just try to stick with us and live in the moment!! :) We are on the Lord's errand, and we feel incredibly fulfilled. We have purpose to our days. We have a tiny little life who, even temporarily, relies on us completely.

Most days I feel like I am doing everything wrong, and that I should and could be doing a lot better. I definitely get frustrated, cry, and wonder what the heck I'm doing. I wish that I more patient, that I knew how to respond better to things that seem completely foreign to me. And just when I'm starting to lose it and sit on the floor and cry, this sweet little guy will come crawling over to me, give me his biggest baby grin, and reach for me. Then I know, I'm doing alright. He loves me, he trusts me, and he is happy. I'm doing my best.

(seriously, I don't know what's up with the black bars on the sides of the pics...)

C may not stay in our home forever, but he will most definitely stay in our hearts forever. His pictures will never come off of our walls, he is a permanent fixture in our home.

"His time may not be our time, but He will always keep his promises" President Eyring

Utah State Fair...

Park City...

Fall Festival in Heber...