Dear Diary....

Its been a while since my last attempt at Blogging. Honestly, I’ve just been keeping myself distracted with work, school, friends…anything really. Anything to keep my mind off the always pressing issue of having a baby. But guess what?! I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS! Oh wait- no I don’t. haha Got your hopes up just a little bit didn’t I? Well now you know how it feels :)

Yes, here we are three years from that first negative test…and I am yet again staring at that unsightly “Not Pregnant” on my Clearblue test. I hate those words. Hate them with a passion…yet somehow we have developed a strong relationship over the past few years. Not Pregnant must really like me…because he just won’t leave me alone. The hopes of my “almost baby” are crushed time and time again. So what do I do when I finally get to that breaking point? I blog. It’s all I really can do to get it all out there- all this raw emotion that I don’t tell anyone about. I don’t like being the victim, and I don’t ever want to burden other people with my woes….I mean, c’mon, we all have something to complain about so I’m sure I don’t have it the worst. So anyways, I use my blog like a diary- expect I share it with all of you! Who knows…maybe someone actually finds this interesting. Even if no one ever reads it, it doesn’t matter. I’m doing this for me- for my sanity.

I try my very hardest every second of every day to just let it go….just relax…just pretend like I don’t care…like I’d rather have my big house and new car and fancy job….but we all know that’s a lie. I would give all of it up in a heartbeat if it meant I could carry a precious little life inside of me. To have a family. Not that I don’t love my life, because I do! I love my hubby so much- I love how supportive he is of me and how hard he works for our family. But (and he would agree with this statement) …our family just isn’t complete. Not yet. We long to see my big pregnant belly…to feel our little gift from Heaven move inside me…to see its squishy pink face…to smell him (or her I guess)…to wake up every hour all night long just to be able to comfort our crying baby…to clean up baby poop and throw up…but most of all to see them grow and learn and become their own person. That’s all we want. But instead we have to deal with the anxiety of the one-week-wait…”Am I? Am I not?” I become obessessive really. I can’t think about a single other thing between Day 28 and the day Mother Nature decides to grace me with her presense. I think about the empty room next to ours- I picture the crib and the rocking chair, I think of all the names we have picked out (seriously, we have like 20 names all ready to go! LOL).

Anyway. Its been more than a year since we did our IUI and started our adoption processes – both of which failed miserably. Since then I have seen a handfull of good friends get pregnant, have their babies, and I am truly envious. I am happy for them (really, I really am). That is one think I have learned in the past three years- how to honestly be happy for those who deserve it. I just wonder when it will be my time…and in the meantime I take care of my dog and husband like they are my children :) haha What are you gonna do…not much we can do. We save (and save and save and save and save…..), but jeezs it sure does take a long time to save $15-20,000. Wouldn’t it be nice if once we have the $20,000 saved up then – POW! Prego! Wishful thinking I know….but a girl can dream.