There are so many things in these two posts that really surprise me, because at the time I had no idea how true they would be.
"I try my very hardest every second of every day to just let it go….just relax…just pretend like I don’t care…like I’d rather have my big house and new car and fancy job….but we all know that’s a lie. I would give all of it up in a heartbeat if it meant I could carry a precious little life inside of me."
Dang. Little did I know that is exactly what would happen. We literally did give up all of our "stuff" to have this baby. We made the choice to file bankruptcy, give up our cars, and lose our home - just to allow us to save the money that we needed for the first round of IVF (even though that IVF, and the second IVF, were both unsuccessful). Choices that we are still feeling the effects of today, and that we will continue to to feel for a couple more years - but with NO regrets. We should be able to qualify for a home loan again right around the time Joelle is getting ready to enter kindergarten, which I am very excited about!
"Wouldn’t it be nice if once we have the $20,000 saved up then – POW! Prego! Wishful thinking I know….but a girl can dream."
This is EXACTLY what did happen. We were scheduled to meet with Dr Richards for our third round of IVF, and I found out I was pregnant the week before!
"We long to see my big pregnant belly…to feel our little gift from Heaven move inside me…"
"Not a week goes by without dreaming of my baby...last night I had my baby...a little girl all curled up in my arms."
But today, as I am reading through these posts I can look down at my belly, I can feel my sweet baby girl move, and through my tears I can thank my Heavenly Father for blessing us with this child. What a long road it has been, and I honestly thought it was never going to end like this.
We wished. We prayed. We cried. And then our prayers were answered.
Enjoy this peek into our past!
Friday, August 13, 2010
{{Dear Diary....}}Its been a while since my last attempt at Blogging. Honestly, I’ve just been keeping myself distracted with work, school, friends…anything really. Anything to keep my mind off the always pressing issue of having a baby. But guess what?! I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS! Oh wait- no I don’t. haha Got your hopes up just a little bit didn’t I? Well now you know how it feels :)
Yes, here we are three years from that first negative test…and I am yet again staring at that unsightly “Not Pregnant” on my Clearblue test. I hate those words. Hate them with a passion…yet somehow we have developed a strong relationship over the past few years. Not Pregnant must really like me…because he just won’t leave me alone. The hopes of my “almost baby” are crushed time and time again. So what do I do when I finally get to that breaking point? I blog. It’s all I really can do to get it all out there- all this raw emotion that I don’t tell anyone about. I don’t like being the victim, and I don’t ever want to burden other people with my woes….I mean, c’mon, we all have something to complain about so I’m sure I don’t have it the worst. So anyways, I use my blog like a diary- except I share it with all of you! Who knows…maybe someone actually finds this interesting. Even if no one ever reads it, it doesn’t matter. I’m doing this for me- for my sanity.
I try my very hardest every second of every day to just let it go….just relax…just pretend like I don’t care…like I’d rather have my big house and new car and fancy job….but we all know that’s a lie. I would give all of it up in a heartbeat if it meant I could carry a precious little life inside of me. To have a family. Not that I don’t love my life, because I do! I love my hubby so much- I love how supportive he is of me and how hard he works for our family. But (and he would agree with this statement) …our family just isn’t complete. Not yet. We long to see my big pregnant belly…to feel our little gift from Heaven move inside me…to see its squishy pink face…to smell him (or her I guess)…to wake up every hour all night long just to be able to comfort our crying baby…to clean up baby poop and throw up…but most of all to see them grow and learn and become their own person. That’s all we want. But instead we have to deal with the anxiety of the one-week-wait…”Am I? Am I not?” I become obessessive really. I can’t think about a single other thing between Day 28 and the day Mother Nature decides to grace me with her presence. I think about the empty room next to ours- I picture the crib and the rocking chair, I think of all the names we have picked out (seriously, we have like 20 names all ready to go! LOL).
Anyway. Its been more than a year since we did our IUI and started our adoption processes – both of which failed miserably. Since then I have seen a handfull of good friends get pregnant, have their babies, and I am truly envious. I am happy for them (really, I really am). That is one think I have learned in the past three years- how to honestly be happy for those who deserve it. I just wonder when it will be my time…and in the meantime I take care of my dog and husband like they are my children :) haha What are you gonna do…not much we can do. We save (and save and save and save and save…..), but jeez it sure does take a long time to save $20,000. Wouldn’t it be nice if once we have the $20,000 saved up then – POW! Prego! Wishful thinking I know….but a girl can dream.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
{{Sweet Dreams}}
My favorite part of the day is laying down
in bed and falling asleep...because my dreams are the only place where
all my wishes come true. Not a week goes by without dreaming of my baby.
While I hate to wake up to the reality that it was only a dream, I love
to be in those dreams because they feel so real. Sometimes I dream that
I'm pregnant, sometimes I dream that I already have my baby. Last night
I already had my baby...a little girl all curled up in my arms. I'm
happy that it was a girl this time, because it's almost always a boy. It
was the most perfect dream...just me and my baby girl. I love those
dreams. Even though I wake up with my arms (literally) aching from the
loss of my baby, I also wake up with renewed energy and hope. My dreams
keep me going, reminding me what it is that we are struggling for. So
today I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for dreams.
