Many of you reading this today know our story, but some of you might be new to our blog…to those of you who have read our story, some of this will be familiar. But today I think it is time to really talk about our trials the past few years….and the miracles we have witnessed firsthand. The true blessing we receive from our Father in heaven….because he loves us, and he knows our struggles…
There are many aspects of our trial…many of which I have never spoken of. Not ever. Not to anyone. We have kept them to ourselves….maybe because it was too painful…or maybe because we were just a little embarrassed. But I truly believe that our trials can bless the lives of others, but only if we let them. If I never speak of the true trials and blessings in my life, then all of you out there who are similarly struggling may lose hope. You may feel like you really are alone. That no one understands. But I do. And Mark does. We understand….and we want you to know that there are great blessings in store for you….if only you can find a way to live through your trials.
Mark and I will be celebrating our 5th anniversary next month….and we will also be celebrating the most anticipated experience of our married life. We have received many blessings, and we will finally be doing IVF. The past 4 years have been long….very long…and full of some very large trials. While I plan to speak to most of those trials today, some I will not. Some of them are trials only me and Mark will ever know…they are far too personal to ever speak of to anyone. But just know, we got through them okay :)
We were young when we got married…only 19…so when we started trying to start our family we were still very young J We decided not to tell anyone we were trying…not for any particular reason…just decided we wouldn’t. And after 8 or 9 months of trying with no luck we didn’t think too much of it. After all, we were young and healthy. But after a year I finally convinced Mark that we should see a doctor about it…he thought we should just keep trying and not worry about it too much…but deep down inside I was getting really worried. I knew that I had endometriosis, and with Mark’s Crohn’s disease…well, we just didn’t know if there was anything that would affect his ability to have kids. But I was sick inside...it was as if I already knew that there was something very wrong.
First stop was my OBGYN who did surgery on me to remove the endo that I still had. He was very encouraging, and he felt like that would solve our issue and within 2-3 months I should be pregnant. 3 months came and went with still nothing. He sent us to have Mark tested…and then we waited. And waited. And waited for the phone call from the lab. When the call came I was sitting on the couch folding laundry. I remember it like it was yesterday. The nurse told us the news- and advised us to see a doctor who specializes in fertility treatments. When I hung up the phone I was shaking…my mind was racing…but I had already prepared myself for that call. Mark wasn’t at home…and yes, I did cry.
This was the beginning of a very dark time in my life. We had moved to Queen Creek and had been living there for over a year…going to church every Sunday…we liked our ward okay…but we were struggling. We had no friends. No one to talk to. We sat alone every Sunday….and all three hours of church would come and go and no one would have said a word to us. We were all alone. Or at least that’s how we felt. Our ward was smaller back then, and we were probably the youngest couple there…and of course, childless. We had nothing in common with anyone. I got tired of it…and so most Sundays I would wake up and beg Mark to not go to church. I didn’t want to feel lonely, it only added to our pre-existing trial. Sometimes he would agree, and we would just stay home. Sometimes he didn’t, and he would have to drag me there. I hated every minute of being there.
After some time, we discussed our “family situation” and started to move forward with fertility treatments. We were a little frustrated….a little disappointed…but a little hopeful too. We didn’t want to feel sorry for ourselves, so we decided to “fake it till we make it”…
By this time we had worn down our carpet next to our bed….from being on our knees pleading with our Heavenly Father for some relief…some guidance…something. We were beginning to wonder if any of our prayers were being heard when we received an answer. An answer to a prayer…when I look back I can see this as my Heavenly Father working very specifically in my life to place two people in our path who have helped us more than they will ever know. We had just about given up hope of making friends in our ward when I was assigned to be a visiting teaching partner with someone in particular- and Mark just so happened to be called as a ward missionary with that person’s husband. This was divine inspiration on the part of our Relief Society president and Ward Mission Leader…I know this with 100% assurance. These two people were strategically placed in our lives to help us find relief…although they had no idea (and likely still do not).
Because we hadn’t told our family about trying to start our family, and because we had no close friends, we were all alone on this journey. We needed angels to attend to us, to lift us up and help pull us from this deep dark place we were in. I had a lot of anger. A lot of confusion. These two were our angels. It didn’t happen overnight, but soon we became good friends with them…this was the first answer to our prayers, and step 1 in helping us start our family. We had friends! We had someone to enjoy time with. We had a little more light in our lives. We had found hope.
And so we continued on our journey (which if you are interested in you can read back in our blog) and witnessed mutiple blessings....family coming to our aid (both emotionally and financially)...friends who have been hand-delivered by our Father in heaven...financial blessings at work..."a friend of someone, who knows someone, who once went such-and-such doctor for their IVF" (so it wasn't exactly like that, but it was a doctor referral that came out of no where LOL)....doctors who are so willing and talented...all blessings.
We have had many…many bumps along our road. Many setbacks. And here we are today counting our countless blessings and feeling like we just lived through our own personal war. Don’t get me wrong, we know that the IVF may not work – it’s not a certain resolution to our problem…but how can we possibly deny the truly inspirational blessings that we have received along the way?
We have been blessed with great friends, great family, great faith…and now, we are beginning to understand the term sacrifice. The past 8 months or so we have made great sacrifices, with the guidance of our Heavenly Father, to allow us to be in this place where we are financially able to do the IVF. I feel so humbled…so grateful…for all of the lessons we (and most importantly I) have learned. I am so grateful that I no longer have anger. So grateful that we have hope.
So treat each other kindly. Talk to someone you see sitting alone. Don't assume that you understand another's trial. Smile more often :) You never know when you will be in their shoes…and you certainly don’t realize how you can bless their lives just by being kind. We don’t wear a sign around our neck displaying our personal trials….you must look past what is seems...because it never is what it seems.
