President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"You are not forgotten.
Sisters, wherever you are, whatever the circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love."
—President Dieter F. Uchtdorf


These words have spoken to my heart, and could not have come at a better time. Infertility is a funny thing- some days I'm as happy as a clam at high tide, other days I wake up with darkness in my heart for no apparent reason. Satan creeps in and takes hold, and my days quickly become consumed with sadness and self-pity. I usually allow myself these days, because in my mind I feel like I deserve to have my moments of sadness. But I've felt this way everyday for the last 4 or 5 days...something that is quite unusual for me. I couldn't seem to shake the feeling that I had simply been skipped over by my Heavenly Father. I would cry. I would tell myself that we've sacrificed so much, and have had nothing in return.

I am ashamed to even admit that. Because I can see how greatly we have been blessed. How terrible it is that I can feel like my Heavenly Father has not blessed me, simply because I do not have a child. It's selfish.

I'm so grateful for President Uchtdorf's talk. I know that he didn't write this talk with me in mind, but right now I really feel like Heavenly Father has seen my discomfort, and he has answered the prayers of my heart. I am not forgotten. This is my testimony, and I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father. He does hear, and does answer our prayers. He knows us individually, and he wants us to be happy.

Itchy, itchy...

Well, I haven't posted much since our failed cycle. We have been busy! Mark got a new job working for Paychex (see previous post), we moved to Utah in mid July and we had our second attempt at IVF set for August 23rd. Yep, thats in a week and a half! If you didn't know we were already doing another IVF, don't worry, no one did. We decided to tell only family this time, to save us on stress.

BUT....last week I started to get a little itchy. Okay, REALLY itchy. I had some painful little red bumps popping up across my stomach and my side. Mosquito bites? Bed bugs? Ticks? What the heck are these things?! After a visit to my family doctor it was determined....shingles. Yes, shingles. Ugh. So since we are only a week away from our transfer I was already on my IVF meds, had my appointments scheduled, blood work done...I called Dr. Marrs and he is not comfortable doing the transfer with the shingles being active :( I don't know that much about shingles, but apparently I could pass them to the baby through the umbilical cord- and that could be life threatening to the unborn baby (http://www.webmd.com/baby/shingles-during-pregnancy).

Sounds kinda crazy, but I have so much love for our frozen little embryos (yeah, I told you it sounds crazy!)...I just can't imagine doing anything that would harm them. Canceling our frozen transfer is disappointing of course, but not nearly as devastating as what could have happened. Sooooo, back to the waiting game. I need to work on getting myself healthy again, and hopefully we can do our frozen transfer before the year is up.

big big BIG news for the Altmyers!

Well.....we have some very big news! We are moving to Utah. In THREE weeks! Ahh!! We are pretty excited, but very verrrrrrry sad to leave our friends in AZ :(

I guess it all kinda started when we went to UT for our IVF. Mark has always wanted to move to Utah, and my response has always been "Um, yeah...over my dead body! I hate Utah." so it came as a shock when we were driving one day and I said "I think I could live here." From there we just started talking, seeing if realistically was could do it....and of course it came down to Mark getting a job in Utah. I thought that would be the part that proved most challenging. University of Phoenix has been good to us, really good to us....so to find another job where the income was appropriate, well, I just didn't think it would happen. We came home from Utah on a Sunday, and on Tuesday night I decided to get onto the website for a payroll company called Paychex (Mark's sister an brother in law both work for Paychex). I applied for two jobs for Mark, and first thing the next morning the recruiter contacted Mark and set up an interview. He flew through the interview process, impressing all those he interviews with, and was offered a job starting July 18th just outside of Salt Lake City.

We were very prayerful during this last month. When Mark and I got married we moved to Arizona much the same way we are moving to Utah- we just decided one day and off we went! Moving to Arizona was a defining moment in our marriage, and we have been so greatly blessed while living here. We feel that Utah is about to offer us another defining moment, and we are excited :)

So this Sunday will be our last Sunday in our ward :( the following Sunday we will be in Utah to secure a place for us to move into, and then we will have one more week in AZ to finish packing and then we will move to Utah the next Sunday.

Soooo....we're moving! That's our big news!

May IVF Cycle

Alright, so its been a week and there are still a few people who are waiting to hear how the IVF went. In short, it didn’t work this time. We have four more frozen embryos, and we will do another transfer this summer. If you would like the details, keep reading...(its a LONG one my friends...so get a snack!).

So I just want to start by saying that even though we were devastated to know this first attempt didn’t work, we have also seen great blessings and answers to prayers through this process. It would be easy to revert back to our days of asking “Why us? Why aren’t we blessed with children when there are teenage girls, women who don’t want kids, people who don’t deserve kids...all having babies. So why not us?” But that’s just not our style. We had our time to be sorry for ourselves, and we simply will never go back to that place. It’s just not productive.

Let’s be realistic- we knew that there was about a 30% chance that this would not work the first try. We chose to hope for the best, but of course knew that there would also be a worst case scenario. So through all this we only spoke positively, and we did not play the “what if” game...a positive attitude can go a long way!

Our story is not unique. Not in any way. There are thousands of other couples sitting at home right now knowing that their May IVF cycle just failed. This is not a pity party...I just hope that someone else might read this and find comfort knowing a similar story.

PART ONE

It started with all of the meds- a month of shots. Two weeks of one shot a day and two weeks of three shots a day. Then post-IVF estrogen patches and progesterone suppositories 4 times a day for two weeks. Here is a pic of all the shots...and the sympathy flowers are courtesy of my sweet sis-in-law Michelle :) 

The daily shots...

Mark enjoyed this a little too much!

 

The last shot of the cycle...finally!

 

We were able to be up in Utah for a little more than two weeks (one week prior to the egg retrieval and one week after the embryo transfer)...which was AWESOME! The failed cycle was worth it just to spend uninterrupted quality time with our family and hang with the newest member of the Altmyer fam....little Graham! Oh how I love him :)

We also got to spend some time at the temple :)

And we can't forget the trip to the ER the same day as the egg retrieval...Mark hurt his foot. Don't worry, he is okay!
 

Okay so the meds were not pleasant, to say the least! You can just ask Mark about the first two weeks, I was a little emotional. haha Two of the funnier instances of craziness- there was one day where I was sobbing that Mark had to go to work...and another time I cried because I spilled a cup of water. It was kinda hilarious. I was super duper bloated...like I literally could not fit into my jeans for like 3 weeks. I didn’t really think about it before we started the cycle, but apparently when you have 15-20 eggies growing all at one time it makes you a little puffy :) But all in all Mark was AMAZING and he catered to my every need. He’s so sweet!

PART TWO

We loved loved loved our two doctors (and our two nurses Jennifer and Ashley!), they were so normal and personable. So unlike any other doctor we’ve met before, they really seem to care about us! They make us so comfortable and we will be happy to do another cycle with them. They were able to retrieve 16 eggs from me, successfully fertilize 11 of them...they let those 11 grow in an incubator for three days and chose the best two for embryo transfer...then on day 5 in the incubator there were 4 eggs still growing strong so they have those frozen for us for the next transfer. So that’s good news (because some people are not lucky enough to have extra embryos to freeze)!

I had blood drawn or an IV every other day...so both of my arms started to look like pin cushions.

Here is an attractive picture of me on the day of the egg retrieval LOL

Anywho. Everything went perfectly, and the docs were very very happy with the quality of our embryos and my uterus...they were hopeful that the transfer would be successful. The first week had no symptoms, issues, etc...the second week was going great until Friday morning (I was going in the following Monday for the pregnancy test) when I started to bleed a little. Let me tell you, I was not a pretty sight when this happened...

Call it hormones, but I literally fell down to the ground sobbing... “please don’t let this be happening....don’t let this happen....don’t let this happen...” Until this point, I had little-to-no doubt in my mind that the cycle was going to work. But at that moment I just knew, I had a feeling in my gut that it was done. Mark was not as convinced and tried his best to assure me (as did my nurse Jennifer) that bleeding can be normal in some pregnancies. But the bleeding continued until Sunday, and Monday came around and we got word that the test came back negative. I’ve never felt devastation like I did that day...and I cried for the next two days. But I have a good husband, and he stayed home with me.

PART THREE

So here we are today, I’m feeling much much better and I haven’t cried in a few days :) And we are moving forward with continued positive thinking! But really, this whole process has made me even more acutely aware of how miraculous pregnancy truly is. People say all the time “Oh my husband just has to look at me an I get pregnant!” or “I wasn’t even trying when I got pregnant”...all of which are just ridiculous to say. I obviously understand how complicated pregnancy truly is, but I really don’t think other people know. It’s not as simple as “Oh, the sperm just fertilizes the egg.”

To begin with, each normal cycle only releases one (on rare occasion two) eggs. That egg is released only on a specific day, at a specific time (ovulation), and if not fertilized soon enough will be discharged from the body. Roughly 100 Million of sperm have to make their way to the fallopian tubes (where only a few hundred will actually make it, simply because of the natural barriers and swimming upstream) and a single sperm has to fight for 24 hours to penetrate the egg. This alone is amazing.

Instantly the egg begins to divide- 2, 4, 8, 16 cells and so on. It continues to divide inside the fallopian tubes for 3-4 days and then the egg moves on to the uterus. If those cells divide unevenly, with cells being different shapes and sizes, or simply stop dividing all together- the fertilization has failed.

To realize how amazing this really is- think about this....I had 16 eggs (all you peeps out there with a normal, natural cycle- you only have ONE egg!). Only 11 of those 16 eggs matured properly (prior to the ovulation) to even be considered for fertilization. Of those 11 fertilized eggs only TWO had progressed to the required 8-10 cells needed by day 3 after fertilization. The remaining eggs were allowed to continue to grow, and of those 9 eggs only four continued to grow properly (and were frozen for the future). So to think that I had 16 chances with this one cycle, where everyone else has only one chance each cycle....think about how amazingly fantastic it is that someone can get pregnant so quickly.

And even if you do get a nice, pretty, prefect little fertilized egg- it still needs to implant in the uterus lining. This is obviously where our cycle failed. Just for fun, here are our two beautiful embryos that were implanted...and trust me, they are prefect!

I think I will end this post for now...there is so much that could be said, so many details...but those can be left for another time. Of course, if you do have more questions about some of those details- I am an open book :) Just email me.

Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge

“What is the biggest infertility myth and how has it effected your life?”

Okay so there are plenty of infertility “myths” out there...some of them you just have to laugh at, some make you mad, and some just plain hurt your feelings. Here are a few...



Myth: You’re so young! You don’t need to stress out about having kids yet.
Fertility Fact: Fertility begins to decline in a woman starting at age 27, and fertility treatments cannot reverse the effects of age related infertility.

Myth: If you stop trying, just relax and stop thinking about it, then you will get pregnant.
Fertility Fact: Infertility is not a psychological disorder. Infertility is a physical disease, not one that will not resolve on its own if you vacation in Hawaii.

Myth: You must be “doing it” wrong...try to put a pillow under your butt!
Fertility Fact: Infertility cannot be cured with a pillow under your butt or with the missionary position. C’mon people! Seriously....

Myth: If you use IVF, you'll end up like "Octomom".
Fertility Fact: 78.2% of successful IVF cycles result in a single pregnancy, 21% lead to a twin pregnancy, and only 0.8% lead to triplets...Notice no quads, and certainly no octuplets are listed here. They are extremely uncommon.

Myth: It’s easier and cheaper to adopt than to use fertility treatments.
Fertility Fact: Adoption isn’t as easy as people assume. You can’t just walk into an orphanage and pick a child to take home the same day. Adoption takes months, even years...and can cost up to $30,000 (or more). Adoption is a beautiful way to build a family, but it is not a simple choice. Even if a couple decides to pursue adoption, it does not take away the pain of not being able to have a biological child.



Alright, so honestly all of the things that people say are irritating. The thing is I know that people (generally) mean well when they say these things...they are just trying to give comfort, or sometimes they don’t know what to say so they just say whatever. I get it. And these days it just doesn’t bother me at all, after so many years I can just move past it.

Here’s my advice to all....don’t ever ask the question “Are you going to start trying for kids?” if you aren’t prepared for the answer “Yeah, we have been for a year (two years, three years, four years...).” And if you do get that answer, most of the time the very best thing to say is “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that” or “We’ll keep you in our prayers.” For us, that will always give the most comfort (and will help you avoid the awkward conversation) :)

National Infertility Awareness Week and PETA

Perhaps it is coincidence that Mark and I are (finally!!) doing our IVF during the 2011 National Infertility Awareness Week (for more information click here: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html).

Because we will be busy making babies during that week (yeah, I said babies....here’s to hoping for twins! LOL), I have decided to post about it this week. The organization RESOLVE, which is devoted to promoting, encouraging, and empowering the infertility community (http://www.resolve.org/about/) has asked that for the 2011 NIAW all of us Infertility Bloggers unite and Bust an Infertility Myth.

““Bust a Infertility Myth Blog Challenge” is brought to you by RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, the largest nationwide non-profit improving the lives of people diagnosed with infertility.  The goal of this challenge is to bring together bloggers from the infertility community as well as other bloggers interested in the topic to answer the question: What is the biggest infertility myth and how has it effected your life or the life of your friends and family members?”

I’m going to simmer on that idea for a little while, and post about it later this week. But until then, I’d like to share my outrage, disgust, and pissed-off-ness (yes, I just made that word up) about PETA’s "Win a Vasectomy" campaign IN HONOR OF the National Infertility Awareness Week. It’s just sick...to make fun of, to make light of, and to further victimize the infertility plight of millions in this country.

I can’t even tell you how irritated I am by this statement from PETA describing why they are honoring NIAW by giving away a vasectomy...the idiots stated:

“Human overpopulation is crowding out animal life on the planet, and dog and cat overpopulation is creating a euthanasia crisis that is a crying shame. Disappearing wilderness, vanishing water resources, and pollution is the price that future generations will pay for more human births...”

I honestly cannot even write anymore about this I am so pissed (hmm...maybe these hormones are finally getting to me haha). I will not do PETA a favor by linking to their site, as visiting their site will only satisfy them. Instead, you can take a look at this fellow blogger’s page: http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/04/open-letter-to-peta.html

If you feel so inclined, email Ingrid Newkirk, PETA President, directly at ingridn@peta.org to express your outrage. Although, from what I hear PETA has stopped sending out responses because they have been flooded with emails from the infertility community.

 

Lupron Injection Demonstration for IVF

IVF Schedule!

Well here it is! We got out IVF schedule this week, and I started my medications! First off is birth control...that sounds counter-productive right? :) Well I take the "active" birth control (you know, the colored pills in the pack- the white ones are what you usually take when you are on your period) for 29 days so that the docs can control precisely when I will start my April period...and ultimately control when I ovulate (all of the meds will dictate down to the exact hour when I will ovulate). The other medications I take are called Lupron, Bravelle, and Menopur- which are all injections. Mark is pretty excited about giving me the injections! haha I'm pretty nervous about it...because these are not little needles, they are full size and will go in pretty deep! Once we start the injections I will be doing three a days- all in the same location (about 3 inches below my belly button). We'll take pictures when we start that part and we'll be sure to post them as well :)

Facebook Friday...with a twist...

So this week’s Facebook Friday comes from a blog link that I posted earlier this morning…I came across this blog because a friend of mine had posted the link on her Facebook page. As I read her story I couldn’t help but think about how many people feel this way….and how many of us simply turn the other way…no one notices….no one cares enough to really stop and see past what it appears to be. We all have trials at some point in our lives, and all of us wish sometimes that we could walk around with a sign around our neck….”I’m going through a hard time, please be kind.” But unfortunately life just isn’t like that…and so that leaves us to make the choice…to take the action…to just be kind to others…because you never know when you will be in their shoes, wondering why no one cares about you. To keep reading her story click here….http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151

Many of you reading this today know our story, but some of you might be new to our blog…to those of you who have read our story, some of this will be familiar. But today I think it is time to really talk about our trials the past few years….and the miracles we have witnessed firsthand. The true blessing we receive from our Father in heaven….because he loves us, and he knows our struggles…
There are many aspects of our trial…many of which I have never spoken of. Not ever. Not to anyone. We have kept them to ourselves….maybe because it was too painful…or maybe because we were just a little embarrassed. But I truly believe that our trials can bless the lives of others, but only if we let them. If I never speak of the true trials and blessings in my life, then all of you out there who are similarly struggling may lose hope. You may feel like you really are alone. That no one understands. But I do. And Mark does. We understand….and we want you to know that there are great blessings in store for you….if only you can find a way to live through your trials.

Mark and I will be celebrating our 5th anniversary next month….and we will also be celebrating the most anticipated experience of our married life. We have received many blessings, and we will finally be doing IVF. The past 4 years have been long….very long…and full of some very large trials. While I plan to speak to most of those trials today, some I will not. Some of them are trials only me and Mark will ever know…they are far too personal to ever speak of to anyone. But just know, we got through them okay :)

We were young when we got married…only 19…so when we started trying to start our family we were still very young J We decided not to tell anyone we were trying…not for any particular reason…just decided we wouldn’t. And after 8 or 9 months of trying with no luck we didn’t think too much of it. After all, we were young and healthy. But after a year I finally convinced Mark that we should see a doctor about it…he thought we should just keep trying and not worry about it too much…but deep down inside I was getting really worried. I knew that I had endometriosis, and with Mark’s Crohn’s disease…well, we just didn’t know if there was anything that would affect his ability to have kids. But I was sick inside...it was as if I already knew that there was something very wrong.

First stop was my OBGYN who did surgery on me to remove the endo that I still had. He was very encouraging, and he felt like that would solve our issue and within 2-3 months I should be pregnant. 3 months came and went with still nothing. He sent us to have Mark tested…and then we waited. And waited. And waited for the phone call from the lab. When the call came I was sitting on the couch folding laundry. I remember it like it was yesterday. The nurse told us the news- and advised us to see a doctor who specializes in fertility treatments. When I hung up the phone I was shaking…my mind was racing…but I had already prepared myself for that call. Mark wasn’t at home…and yes, I did cry.

This was the beginning of a very dark time in my life. We had moved to Queen Creek and had been living there for over a year…going to church every Sunday…we liked our ward okay…but we were struggling. We had no friends. No one to talk to. We sat alone every Sunday….and all three hours of church would come and go and no one would have said a word to us. We were all alone. Or at least that’s how we felt. Our ward was smaller back then, and we were probably the youngest couple there…and of course, childless. We had nothing in common with anyone. I got tired of it…and so most Sundays I would wake up and beg Mark to not go to church. I didn’t want to feel lonely, it only added to our pre-existing trial. Sometimes he would agree, and we would just stay home. Sometimes he didn’t, and he would have to drag me there. I hated every minute of being there.

After some time, we discussed our “family situation” and started to move forward with fertility treatments. We were a little frustrated….a little disappointed…but a little hopeful too. We didn’t want to feel sorry for ourselves, so we decided to “fake it till we make it”…

By this time we had worn down our carpet next to our bed….from being on our knees pleading with our Heavenly Father for some relief…some guidance…something. We were beginning to wonder if any of our prayers were being heard when we received an answer. An answer to a prayer…when I look back I can see this as my Heavenly Father working very specifically in my life to place two people in our path who have helped us more than they will ever know. We had just about given up hope of making friends in our ward when I was assigned to be a visiting teaching partner with someone in particular- and Mark just so happened to be called as a ward missionary with that person’s husband. This was divine inspiration on the part of our Relief Society president and Ward Mission Leader…I know this with 100% assurance. These two people were strategically placed in our lives to help us find relief…although they had no idea (and likely still do not).

Because we hadn’t told our family about trying to start our family, and because we had no close friends, we were all alone on this journey. We needed angels to attend to us, to lift us up and help pull us from this deep dark place we were in. I had a lot of anger. A lot of confusion. These two were our angels. It didn’t happen overnight, but soon we became good friends with them…this was the first answer to our prayers, and step 1 in helping us start our family. We had friends! We had someone to enjoy time with. We had a little more light in our lives. We had found hope.

And so we continued on our journey (which if you are interested in you can read back in our blog) and witnessed mutiple blessings....family coming to our aid (both emotionally and financially)...friends who have been hand-delivered by our Father in heaven...financial blessings at work..."a friend of someone, who knows someone, who once went such-and-such doctor for their IVF" (so it wasn't exactly like that, but it was a doctor referral that came out of no where LOL)....doctors who are so willing and talented...all blessings.

We have had many…many bumps along our road. Many setbacks. And here we are today counting our countless blessings and feeling like we just lived through our own personal war. Don’t get me wrong, we know that the IVF may not work – it’s not a certain resolution to our problem…but how can we possibly deny the truly inspirational blessings that we have received along the way?

We have been blessed with great friends, great family, great faith…and now, we are beginning to understand the term sacrifice. The past 8 months or so we have made great sacrifices, with the guidance of our Heavenly Father, to allow us to be in this place where we are financially able to do the IVF. I feel so humbled…so grateful…for all of the lessons we (and most importantly I) have learned. I am so grateful that I no longer have anger. So grateful that we have hope.

So treat each other kindly. Talk to someone you see sitting alone. Don't assume that you understand another's trial. Smile more often :) You never know when you will be in their shoes…and you certainly don’t realize how you can bless their lives just by being kind. We don’t wear a sign around our neck displaying our personal trials….you must look past what is seems...because it never is what it seems.

Facebook Friday!

Here is the (new) traditional Facebook Friday post!

As posted by Michelle Christensen on Mark's FB page... :)

January 15, 2011
"Rowen just said out of the blue "you know mom, mark has good taste." I asked what he meant by that and he said "like he plays video games and stuff. Mark is a teenager and they have good taste." I told him you aren't a teenager and he said " well then why does he have cool toys and play video games??" hahaha"

Facebook Friday!

I know today is Saturday, but at the request of my sister-in-law Merrilynne, we will now be having Facebook Fridays! This is where I post one or two of our favorite Facebook statuses for all of your viewing pleasure :) They might be a status from this week...or maybe one from a long time ago! Alhtough this week I think these two are my favs...enjoy!

January 24, 2011 

Brittany Cathey Altmyer 

Mark: I don't like chili.
Me: This is a new recipe.
Mark: Do we have a backup plan?
Me: Yes- you learn to like chili.
Then he takes a bite... 
Mark: Okay, this is pretty good.

I win!

January 28, 2011

Mark Altmyer
Britt: I haven't seen you wear that shirt in a long time.
Me: That's because I just bought it last week.  
Hahahaha.

My Blog Makeover!

My blog had a makeover! OMG I love it! All of its cuteness can be contributed to my sweet friend Jhen! I want to share her blog with all of you, and if you want a blog makeover too...just ask her!



http://jonandjhenstark.blogspot.com/p/blog-design.html